Times Are Changing



The masks we wear.

The masks we wear. It’s a common phrase/proverb/insight into the human soul. A phrase that when first looked at or heard is to usually roll the eyes and wonder where they are going with this. This weekend made me think about this phrase though. Do we really mask ourselves behind clothes, make up, hair styles and even weight? This question probably seems obvious, of course we do. We all have some sort of security blanket that we keep ourselves cloaked in. Some of us create blanket forts that appear to be miles thick. I wondered to myself this weekend, what’s my blanket? What’s my mask?

I thought at first it was my hair, it’s always been a security blanket and something I have gotten complements on my whole life. I chopped my hair off though about eight months ago and haven’t looked back. Then I thought it might be make up, but I go out into public all the time without make up. Clearly not something I’m overly concerned with. Then it hit me, my weight. This mask might seem obvious, it might not. I have been masking myself in my weight. My security blanket is literally holding me in. My weight has served every purpose possible. It’s been a goal plan, it’s been an excuse, it’s been worrisome, it’s been a cry fest, it’s just been.

About eight months ago my ex and I decided that going out separate ways was the only way to go. I did the stereotypical broken hearted girl routine and ate my weight in cookie dough ice cream and drank my blood into wine. It was a marvelous weekend. It’s been eight months and I still feel like my weight is holding me from dating again. I wonder, is that what I want? This morning I realized it kinda was. It’s so much easier for me to think that I’m not getting asked out on dates or being flirted with because of my weight.

It’s so much easier to say “he didn’t like me because I’m *gulp* fat” than to say that maybe I came on too strong. Or I’m not his type, or we didn’t have anything in common, or that we just didn’t have that spark you look for when meeting someone. It’s so much easier to fall into the society thinking that curves aren’t attractive and that if you want a boy to look at you, you should be able to squeeze into a mini skirt and tank top. Truly my weight goals right now center around dating and when I’m going to see people. How crazy is that?

I wonder to myself if I’m letting myself get sucked in… to me. I am terrified to get back out there. I don’t want to get hurt, my trust in people is shot, broken record broken record. So what happens if I loose the weight? What happens if I meet my goal and boys still pass me by? Thinking about it makes me a little light headed. It’s a horrifying thought. If this is true I have to look *gasp* at myself and what I might be doing wrong. It’s not going to be my weight. If I shed this hefty security blanket what will the world think of the raw naked me? What will I think of myself? Do you have security blankets? Do you wear a mask? Do you let these protections become your excuses? Are you willing to let go of them? Are you willing to let the world see the raw naked you?


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention The masks we wear. « Hello New Me -- Topsy.com pingbacked on 12 years, 5 months ago

Comments

  1. * Elisa says:

    I struggle through these things so much too. I hide behind my weight immensely, constantly thinking I’ll start dating again when I lose “just another 10 pounds.” Or clinging to the fact that I am an adorably dorky gal who guys see more as a friend than a girlfriend.

    Whatever the masks that we hide behind, they inhibit us from experiencing under the false pretense of protection. I know that. I understand it. I tell it to others.

    Even thinking about putting it into practice makes me want to throw up and curl up under my desk in fetal position rocking.

    That’s healthy, right? 🙂

    | Reply Posted 12 years, 5 months ago
    • * Amy says:

      Haha, I don’t know if I am the best judge of that. Clearly I am not taking the healthiest steps to realizing that I need to strip away from my mask. But maybe realizing it is the first step 🙂

      | Reply Posted 12 years, 5 months ago


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: